Porridge and Clouds

Bowl of clouds

The first in an occasional series on things I’m thinking about + things that make me think

Back in the 1970s, Radcliffe President Matina Horner made headlines with research suggesting that American women suffered from a “fear of success” that kept them from reaching their potential. While I came of age in that era, I’ve never felt that Horner’s findings spoke to my experience. What I recall isn’t a fear of success but rather a fear of failure.

I was probably around 14 when I decided not to apply for a spot in a highly selective study abroad program for Indianapolis public school students. I didn’t think my French I was up to par. I didn’t think I’d get in. Today, I feel bad for that girl who gave up before she tried. By all accounts, it was a wonderful program. There’s a good chance I would have made the cut. And if not: Who cares?

All of which is prologue to saying that I have since become a fervent proponent of learning how to fail. Being able to cope with failure strikes me as one of life’s most important skills—which is why I devoted a session to the topic in the Living Strategically Seminar I taught this fall at UMass Amherst (and, on a lighter note, why I couldn’t wait to share the very funny Laura Zigman’s “Failure is the New Success!” video some months back).

It’s also why I was so heartened to see teacher Jessica Lahey’s terrific new piece in the Atlantic on why parents need to let their children fail. As Lahey writes, parents who try to guarantee their children’s personal and academic success are doing them no favors. Rather they are robbing them of opportunities to strengthen resilience—to cultivate “the emotional resources they will need to cope with inevitable setback and failure.” (My friend Jennifer Rosner also reflects on this issue in an excellent piece just published on the New York Times Motherlode blog.)

* * *

The more open we can be about what life should look like, the greater our chance at happiness.

In this spirit, I was captivated by an essay suggesting that the successful marriages of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice may include not only the obvious suspects—Elizabeth and Darcy, Jane and Bingley—but also the pragmatic Charlotte Lucas and pompous Mr. Collins. “Charlotte did the best she could, and if the result is not exactly blinding ecstasy forever after–well, most of us, for the most part, don’t get blinding ecstasy forever after anyway,” Noah Berlatsky writes.

Somehow this got me thinking about the last time I read Edith Wharton’s The Age of Innocence, which I’d always thought of as a poignant tale of missed opportunities. I was surprised to myself concluding that the life Newland Archer got was precisely the life he needed. (The fact that he never realized this didn’t mean it wasn’t true.)

* * *

The Great Recession gave birth to a subgenre that I’ve come to think of as the Plan B Nation memoir—stories about life after job loss. Food plays an outsized role in many of these—which makes a lot of sense to me given the prominent role it played in my own post-layoff life. Favorites include Dominique Browning’s Slow Love (wherein the eating is followed by a serious diet), Jennifer Reese’s Make the Bread, Buy the Butter (wherein the former Entertainment Weekly book critic reports, sometimes hilariously, on making the things we normally buy—think marshmallows, cream cheese, Pop-Tarts), and guest poster Robin Mather’s The Feast Nearby (wherein I discovered a recipe for winter squash and sausage drizzled with maple syrup with which I became somewhat obsessed for a time).

While my Plan B Nation life has evolved a lot in recent months, I’m still always on the lookout for a good recipe. Here’s one for red velvet cake that I can’t wait to try—via one of my (and possibly your) favorite novelists, Elinor Lipman.

Copyright © Amy Gutman. All rights reserved.

11 thoughts on “Porridge and Clouds

  1. Charlotte *does* do the best she can, and she doesn’t fail. But her marriage, so far from not being “blindingly ecstatic,” is a clear-eyed bargain of awfulness. Augh! I ache for her all over again.

    In fact, I might begin imagining a sequel in which she has a hot affair. Elinor Lipman could do it justice…

    Thanks for the other book recs, especially Slow Love. Looks wonderful.

    • I dunno — did you read the piece? I sort of liked the idea that Lizzie’s isn’t the only interpretation — and life has many sources of satisfaction other than marriage.

      As for the other books: Enjoy!

  2. I think I may have both fear of failure AND fear of success.
    But I love Elinor Lipman, too.

    • Just read your “A Brief Post on Challenge” — loved it! You made me laugh (as I said in the comment I just left)

  3. Love your blog. Thanks for your hard work in what sounds like a busy transition time. Your work is consistently thoughtful and inspires my own thinking.

    • Thank you so much, Eric! I’m glad you find the blog thought-provoking and really appreciate your taking the time to tell me. It means a lot.

  4. Thanks, Amy. Lots to think about here.
    I’m working on my own Plan B Nation memoir, one bit at a time. Still trying to figure out the ending….

  5. What you say about failure is true. My greatest asset over the years is the knowledge that in any new endeavor that I will fail in my first attempt. This has been the reality of my life, followed by a plan B or C or D if necessary. My challenge now is how to teach my child that failure is rarely permanent, and usually a necessary part of learning new skills.

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